How many sentences, lines or tens of pages he wrote down? As an inexorable urge to burn in a rock a so immaterial, so fragile, so fleeting thought. As a bulimia of words. He sees, says, thinks, imagines, believes so often and has the overpowering need to write, quickly and right now. It’s like the next breathe will not be longer the same and destroy the previous one.
He’s writing thinking he’s a journalist, an anthropologist and more often from an introverted and selfish point of view, thinking he’s a psychoanalyst, a sociologist. He drinks a lot of coffee in front of his typewriter, smokes cigars and stays late in the night till early morning. Once the desire to write comes, he must satisfy it in the moment. He can’t wait. Words are coming instinctively, as they were already written and he only had to blow on the ink to dry them. They spread as fast as a musical note follows another. They’re always followed by a melody he can’t write. He never could write melodies in his head accompanying words. They are violent, stealth and lightning. As a spasm, a sudden pain underlines everything as ridiculous. Then the words are out, basic and fast. A signs’ series without meaning spat on paper. Deaf music he struggles to catch and assorted colors traces remain, such as brand tires of car passed at full speed, like a storm of things.
Before the storm passes he must write. Once the melody evaporated, he forgot. He even forgets about colors, sound, words and « why I wanted to write?”. It’s so fast, so inaccessible, he exerts strategies to retain the melody few more seconds. Without it, the words are bored and colors are dull.
At the first sounds he hears, he takes a paper, a pencil or his machine. He writes, writes, writes … it’s good but not enough. He breathes and tries to calm down. Then he reads the last sentence: « what I was thinking about?”. He goes back to the first line and then forces himself, like a drug addict, to stop scared about losing himself.
His shaking fingers hang the table. He stops, exhausted without taking time to read or to understand something.
At this time, he erases everything.
Zyphera 